We all have that friend. You know, the one who has it all together but she dates the worst men! Everyone looks at her and wonders why she's with this man who doesn't deserve her. Seriously, this guy is just like the last one she dated. Wait, you don't have a friend like this one? Hold on. Are you this friend? Let's discuss in case you're in denial about it or you do have that friend.
I constantly find myself in a Facebook group or sitting with a group of women where we’re having this discussion and these questions arise:
· Why do men play games?
· Why did he disappear (ghosted)?
· Why isn’t he consistent with texts and calls?
· How come I’m the one always planning things?
· Why do I always meet married men?
· Why do men always tell me to “stop tripping” or “don’t start acting crazy”?
I always start my conversation with the famous line spoken by Morpheus from the movie The Matrix and say, “What if I told you, you have total control over these situations. lol
Women always look at me and ask what do I mean. Then I tell them this. You choose these men then choose to tolerate these circumstances. Here’s the most important part. YOU CHOOSE THESE MEN. These men do not force themselves on you or make you do anything. You pick them. You are very instrumental in creating the entire thing! That’s why it always seems like you’re meeting the same guy but with a different face, over and over again. That’s called a pattern.
Here’s the other thing. You don’t even know what you’re doing or that you’re doing anything wrong! You are smart! You make your own money. You consider yourself successful. You have lots of accomplishments under your belt. How can you possibly be the one solely responsible for this? I know. It seems crazy to consider that you’re the one setting the stage for men to play you. But you do. And it’s because of behaviors that you’re doing that you’re unaware are backfiring on you and behaviors in him that you choose to overlook and/or make excuses for.
And why do you do this? FEAR.
· That you won’t find another guy so you settle for this one.
· That you’ll have to start all over again and you’ve invested time into this man.
· That you won't have anyone to "take care of". You cook for him, take him lunch to work, etc...
· That your family will talk about you “dating a new man again”.
· That your kids already got used to this man and you don’t want to introduce them to another one.
· That people won’t believe you. You guys look like the perfect couple!
· That you need his money to make the bills (if you live together).
· Of being alone again.
· That if you tell him what you really want he’ll leave you so you don’t want to “pressure” him.
How do I know this? Because I had all these same fears when I was in a marriage with a man who called me crazy for wanting him to stop having friends of the opposite sex who I didn’t know. He was cheating and he would get mad that I questioned him about these women who he called friends but when the marriage ended he admitted he was having affairs with them. Go figure. You mean, I wasn’t crazy? lol I was in a place with very little self-worth. I had boundaries but I allowed him to overstep all of them and didn’t know how to enforce them without arguments. Those arguments lead to lots of abuse so I slowly stopped speaking about the things that were bothering me.
Behavior is predictable. If you know what to look for, you can see your own patterns and the patterns of others so you can quickly make logical decisions about your well-being and happiness. When you do this, you’ll get rid of toxic and dead end relationships as soon as you see behaviors.
Behavior is also conditioned. If you don’t know what to look for, you settle for and accept ones that don’t align with your values. You put up with things you don’t want.
I know you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. I know you’re reading this and thinking about your own relationships already. I know you want a relationship with a man who loves and adores you. And I know you want to stop picking the wrong men all the time. That’s why I wrote my ebook titled, When You Need To Walk Away. Click below to get yours. It’s free! xo